Annoying survey called and left a message on my voicemail. You'd think they would be able to tell there was nobody at home?

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Resimay  

To hoom it mae cunsern, 

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.   

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..   

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,   
Pepole really seam to respond 
to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.   

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.     

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,   

I can start emeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.   

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr. 

Sinseerly, 

BRYAN     

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pikchure of me.   

  Employer's response: 

Dear Bryan ,   

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.   

See you Monday.

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.

 
"May I help you sir?"  she asked.

 
The man replied,  "I want to see Suzy."

 
"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.
 

He replied,  "No, I must see Suzy."
 

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a
visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it
to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.
 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Suzy.

 
Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was too expensive.

 
"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

 
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went
upstairs.

 
After an hour, he left.
 

The following night the man was there yet again.
 

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man, 
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.

Where are you from?"
 
The man replied,  "Edinburgh."

 
"Really,"  she said.  "I have family inEdinburgh  ."

 
"I know."  the man said.  "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer

She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1.  Death

2.  Taxes
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer!

Dear Tesco,

I am male, at least that's what it says on my birth certificate and I'm pretty certain I was when I last showered. So why I have I been targeted with the following marketing email?

"Dear Mr B..,

This week at Tesco.com we're celebrating the highly anticipated release of Sex and the City 2 with these fantastic offers to help you have the perfect girl's night in. From wine to dips and pizza to desserts, we've got all you need for a fabulous night in with the ladies."

Does the fact that you have addressed me as _Mr._ B... not give this away? Or maybe next time I visit your stores I should put on a frock and dress like Emily Howard from Little Britain? Perhaps you should consider separate male/female targeted emails.

Yours Sincerely, Nicholas B... (Mr.)

Dear: e-Mail Winner,

The WINDOWS LIVE & MICROSOFT WINDOWS has set out and successfully
organized a Sweepstakes marking the beginning of year anniversary. We
rolled out over 10,000.000.00 (10million e-mails) to mark the 2010
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drawn from a wide range of web hosts which we enjoy their BETA patronage
attaching personalized email addresses to ticket numbers.which
subsequently won you (One Million Pounds Sterling)(£1,000 000) as one of
the 10 jackpot winners in this draw.Your email address as indicated was
drawn and attached to TICKET No:20511465463-7644 with SERIAL No:S/N-00168
and drew the LUCKY No:887-13-865-37-10-83(20) which subsequently won you
(One Million Pounds Sterling)(£1,000 000) as one of the 10 jackpot winners
in this draw.

Please contact our fiduciary agent for claims with the
contact below
Agent.

Dr. Pinkett Griffin
Email: drawsupdate05@yahoo.com.hk
Telephone: +44-871-315-2567

1.Full Name:
2.Full Address:
3.Status:
4.Occupation:
5.Age
6.Phone Number:
7.Country:

Congratulation!!

Sincerely,
Maggie Bausch

---------------------------------------------
This message was sent using SnowCrest WebMail.
http://www.snowcrest.net

Dear  Sir,
 
 I am Mrs Rita Melisa,am writing this from the deepest part of my human feelings if you are going to accept my offer glad,My Husband was a very wealthy  business merchant He was poisoned to death by his  business associates on one of their outings.
Before the death of my Husband on 2008 he in light me about some Deposit the company had in EQUITY FINANCE VAULTS SECURITY BANK in Hong Kong,five million five hundred thousand United state dollars with some essential treasures,He explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned.
 
Now I am honorably seeking your assistance in any following ways as a foreign partner to assist me move this fund to your country for investment purpose.
 1)To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to invest and secure a resident permit in your country.
  I  am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/ input after the successful Good move of this fund into your nominated account overseas,Assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your response immediately.all the necessary document including the Certificate of Deposit will be fowarded to you once i hear from you.
 
Thanks and  bless.
 
Best regards,
 
Mrs Rita Melisa
reply back to this e_mail ritamelisa@126.com

Dear Sir/Madam

I am Mr Idris Useni, an accountant working with one of the Commercial Bank here in Ivory Coast,
I am contacting you on business of transferring the sum of Eight Million United States Dollar (US$8 million) into a safe foreign account and it must be very confidential.I needs your help to come out stand as the next of kin. To late Mr.Bouchout Geoffroy customer of our bank who died in plane crash on Monday 2ND September 1998 GMT 14:22 UK while they were flying from New York to Geneva. However i contacted you so that the proceeds of his account with our Bank can be paid transfer to your account and then you and I will share the money fifty fifty, I have all the formalities to legalize it on your name,all the modalities is RISK FREE for,I will furnish you with all the vital information's regarded to the fund. Thank for good understand and hope to hear from you soon

Regards Mr Idris Useni

From: Terry Donald
Sent: Wed, January 6, 2010 2:24:35 PM
Subject: Re. OUR BUSINESS TRANSACTION-!

Re. Our BUSINESS TRANSACTION!!
Minerva House Third Floor
London, SE1 9DH
United Kingdom

This letter might also come to you as a surprise but it is coming with
the best of intentions and will be of mutual benefit to all the
parties involved. I am Terry Donald  the chief security officer to the
former LIBERIAN PRESIDENT CHARLES TAYLOR here after referred to as my
client I amwriting to solicit your assistance to secure funds that are
already in the states now! with a security company. The fund in
question is a total of $5,000,000 (Five Million United States Dollars)
in $100 bills and stashed in Two trunk boxes and was shipped out of
Liberia through a diplomatic means by a security company and they are
not aware of the real content of the boxes for security reasons.

The boxes are already in The states (USA) and under the custody of a
security company.I am looking For your assistance in getting the boxes
out from the security company and securing the funds, we will give you
10% of the total fund.

NOTE: There is no risk involved in this project because I am involved
as my Client confidant. Please you should keep this transaction a top
secret as we are prepared to do more business with you pending your
approach towards this project. Please if you know you intested in the
transaction kindly Reply to my Personal Email address which is
terrydonald69@yahoo.com.hk

I await your urgent response.

Thanks.
Mr. Terry Donald